This is my perpetrator sharing and how I have changed – referring to the Me too campaign. (long post)
I have been touched by all the women that dares to speak up around their experiences of sexual harassment, abuse and rape lately. Thank you all the brave Sisters for doing that. First, lets face it! This is a big problem in our culture. Two days ago I went to an awesome party and I was with two other women – both of them were sexually harassed…. So, I think it is great that these stories come out and are not being shamefully hidden.
I take the challenge and want to share my own vulnerable story of how I have went on my healing journey and owning my perpetrator side. I had for many years denied and suppressed my own perpetrator, which I believe is common for both victims and perpetrators. When I was 8 years old I forced my self verbally to have sex with another girl. I was jealous after she had sex with another boy and I was hurt and feared that she didn’t love me any longer. I didn’t have a language and access to these emotions underneath the jealousy at that time. Instead, I raped her – she didn’t want to. I grew up with this guilt buried inside of me and didn’t know how to handle it. I didn’t know how much this unconsciously would effect me. I didn’t have a solid based sexuality after this and there where a some learned strategies and shadows around my sexuality. I believe then it is greater possibilities to both abuse and be abused. So, it happened in my life. I betrayed my two first adult girlfriends while I was drunk. When I betrayed my second girlfriend I got genital herpes. Now the guilt became visible. I promised myself to never betray any woman again. I felt punished. It was time to stop. Years later, I contacted this woman and I had given her herpes from that experience. I felt deeply sorry for that!!
From the Me too side I have also been abused. My first gay boss sexual harassed me several times when we were drinking. Another gay man tried to sexually harassed me also while I was very drunk. I didn’t have a clear no and didn’t manage to set healthy boundaries.
Luckily, I was invited to a seminar in where I learned how to access my emotions and needs when I was 23 years. That became my real turning point. We learned to be curious on our own bodies and finding the resources that was in there. I learned that meditations and inner journey could give me more happiness than any alcohol. I started also to drink less. I started to study NLP and became a fan of Anthony Robbins. Great tools for changing stored memories in the body, emotions and thoughts patterns. I also learned that NLP at that time didn’t go deep enough. I felt that I needed to access the soul in order to heal the roots. I studied The Journey with Brandon Bays where we dropped through the suppressed emotions and into the essence of who we are. At one of these training I got the courage to work with the sexual abuse story and access many of the suppress emotions. I could forgive myself and also dare to send a letter to the girl I abused as a child. I also got the courage to dare to speak about it privately too her too. It released so much stress in the body. The genital herpes outbreaks came less. By taking these inner journeys, I learned that some of my wounds was family wounds passed on from one generation to the next. By taking these inner journeys I felt it was possible to stop these wounds and create an empowered future. By giving these sessions I was also surprised how many people (especially women) that had been sexually abused.
Still, at one point I beleive we have to let go of the stories about me. I was lucky to meet satsang teachers Gangaji and Eli. They thought me how to be presence in every day life, have an open heart and devote my life to something deeper then the story of me. I learned how to rest in an emptiness and stillness that is untouched by any stories. It was amazing to leave so many of my stories and believes around how I thought I was. Still, I felt that it could also bypass and suppress some of the sexual energy. It is great teaching if I wanted to be a munk, but it didn’t really teach me how to use my sexual energy in a good way. The ironic thing was that the main teacher was caught of betraying his wife. There were some sexual shadows that was not really touched upon.
Years later, when a relationship ended, I was ready to expose my sexuality and study tantra. I was hoping to get better tools to create better relationship. I dove deeper into my sexual wounds, shame and performances strategies. I opened up my sexual energy (kundalini) and learned to not ejaculate. A lot of pain and bodily pain disappeared from my body. My masculine presence increased and I became happier and a lot of hidden sexual strategies could be embraced. I could live out many of my sexual fantasies without shame. It was deep healing. My sexual energy became cleaner and cleaner. I relaxed more in my own sexuality, could go slower and I could see that women could trust me more and more. All kind of orgasms could be experienced and I learned how to make love for hours. I learned that women are not afraid of true masculine power and strength. They actually love it!! It is safe for women to trust an open, powerful and relaxed sexuality. I burned through a lot of jealousy in an open relationship and had the power to strongly commit to my woman in spite of painful moments.
Still, I felt that my tantra school was getting too attached to sex and even high sexual energy and power can be misused. It could also become another addiction. I I saw that I once again didn’t have access to a clear no to my woman. I felt that all the open sex could sometimes re-traumatise my childhood wound of 8 years. What I was really longing for was to be really loved. I learned how important it is to me to have a safe container for deep healing to occur in a relationship, especially an open relationship. I have come to the conclusion that a very open relationship seldom work well. I have also learned how difficult it can be to have healthy boundaries before, during and after intimacy in a relationship. The Wheel of Consent from Betty Martin really teach us how to touch with a deeper awareness and presence. Belly2Belly with David Cates also makes the sexual interaction to a safe place, which gives room for healing of deeper wounds. Emotional Focused Therapy for Couple is amazing tools to learn more about the dynamics playing itselves out in the relationship. 80 % of our personality and behavior patterns are formed before we are 7 years old and some of these wounds can be difficult to have access to. Some can be healed through gentle de-armoring, but shamanic medicine is an amazing tool to go into the depth of it.
I have worked a lot with ayahuasca lately. The beauty of ayahuasca is that it can heal imprints in the body at a very early age. It is a soul medicine and support healing to take place at the very deepest level. It is possible to return to your soul and you can discover and experience the love and beauty we are. I have never felt so much self-love as I do this days. I feel whole, I am happy for everything and nothing. Love is what really matters. Love is who we are. Love and compassion are the deeper meaning of life. I am loved and so are you!
This is my journey so far. I have tried to be as honest as possible and take my responsibility, learn and grow from it. May it serve some of you and maybe inspire some. I share now my knowledge and support men to leave their sexual addictions and become an empowered version of themselves. I want men to be true to their hearts, own their emotions, sexuality and have a conscious cock that can heal women. Women are longing for mature men. Men long also for mature women. I also want to challenge women to share how they are misusing their sexual energy and how they can heal their toxic femininity. It is not only a one-way. It often takes two to tango. Most men are so blind to see and understand women’s game. I believe it is still a shadow there that would need to be healed. Lets hope for better relationship between men and women, between men and women to women. It is time to stop! Stop the fight and competition and start to learn, listen and be curious on each other. It is time to breath and go slower together. All in all we are one big family – and we are doing this together. Healing day by day – breath by breath – moment to moment. Together we are stronger!! Together we can support each other!! We are the one we are waiting for!! Aho!!